Wow, its been a long time since I've blogged.  I'm not going to waste time bringing you up to speed because you is an electronic diary and if I chose not to write until now, I must have subconsciously decided I didn't need to write about anything till now.  And now I'm rationalizing myself to that same electronic diary.  *sigh*

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling much better than when I fell asleep last night.  Partly to getting enough sleep to beat whatever cold was trying to invade my body and partly (well mostly) because of the dream I had.  In the dream, I was talking to my niece, Ariana.  It was in the future at some point because she was bigger and obviously able to talk which she can't do at 5 months.  We're at a park that reminds me of South Central Park in North Ridgeville, but could easily be any park with play equipment and mulch and swings.  Its fall in the dream, because the leaves are just turning yellow and red, and we're both wearing hoodies and jeans.  We're talking about random things during a break when this comes up:

"...and so grandma told daddy that she knew he was hiding something and that if he didn't tell her she was going to find out anyway.  And daddy just said 'ok' and told her his secret!"

"What secret?"

"That he got another speeding ticket."

"Oh, well that's not so big a secret."

"But how did she know? He just got it yesterday after he picked me up from school.  He didn't even tell Mommy yet."

"Well, Grandma is special. She knows things she shouldn't know."

"Am I special?"

"Of course you're special."

She gives me the stink eye.  "Uncle Tony, you know what I mean.  Do I get to know stuff I'm not supposed to know?"

At this point, I realize I'm going to have to have a talk with her about things and I can only hope that she's ready and that Nick won't kill me for putting ideas in her head.  "Ok.  You have the same stuff inside you that your daddy and mommy have.  That's called genetics."

She nods looking all serious now and I'm struck by how intelligent she is for being so little.  I go on, "Daddy and I have the same stuff inside us because we're brothers and we get that stuff from grandma"

"Because you both came out of grandma's belly?"

"Uh, yeah kind of." Her father can have *that* talk with her. "Now me, daddy, and grandma are all special in different ways, and because you have the same stuff in you, you're probably going to be special like that too."

"So what makes you and daddy special?"

"Well, your daddy can make people like him, even if they don't want to. He can be really mean to them and they'll still want to be his friend."

"That doesn't seem so special."

"It is.  People will do a lot for their friends and even more if they're trying to impress someone or get on their good side.  Its why your daddy can sell ice to an Eskimo and convince the people at the flea market to lower their prices for him."

"Oh.  What about you?"

"You know how you can make a lot of noise with your guitar at home?"

"Yeah"

"You know how when you plug it into your amplifier it makes a LOT more noise?"

"Yeah"

"I'm like the amplifier.  If someone is special and spends too much time around me, their gift gets stronger."

"Really?"

"You think I'd lie NOW?"

"No.  Is there anyone else special?"

"Well of course.  The world is full of special people.  And special people tend to find each other and hang out."

"So who else is special?"

"Well, Aunt Wendy is for one."

"What does she do?"

"She's very sensitive to energy. When you're in a good mood or a bad mood, she can feel it and sometimes if she's not careful, she can catch it and give it to someone else like a cold.  Sometimes, she can feel energy that someone left behind years and years ago.  Other people call it a ghost, but its more like listening to a radio station that's not tuned in all the way." I choose not to tell her about true ghosts and their energy.

"Who else?"

"Well, my friend Chris has cat's luck.  No matter what happens to him, he always comes out on top.  And my friend Julie can peek inside someone's head and know just what to say to make them feel how she wants them to feel."

"I want to be special."

"You probably will develop some kind of gift."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're already very smart for your age."

"And because of genetics?"

"Yes. And because of genetics."

"What kinds of things can people do?"

"Special people?  All sorts of things.  Some good, some bad, and some people never admit they're special.  They explain it all away."

"How can a gift be bad?"

"Well, I know for a fact that some people take a good gift and do bad things with it.  Your daddy could probably convince someone to do something bad for him if he was bad.  Or Chris could rob a bank and know that he would probably get away with it.  And some people are just bad so they develop bad gifts.  I know someone who can suck the energy out of others and leave them feeling lazy and sleepy and mean tempered."

"Why would they do that?"

"Its in their nature.  Like when King gets a flea.  The flea is sucking his blood and King doesn't like it at all, so he gets itchy and grouchy.  Once you get rid of the flea, he's a happy dog again."

"Isn't it dangerous for you to be around the flea person?"

"A little bit, but its more dangerous for other people if I accidentally amplify her so I try to avoid being around her."

"I want to be special now."

"You are special now. You don't need a gift yet."

"Can I have an ice cream cone?"

"Maybe.  Can you tell me all the prime numbers between 1 and 100?"

"Yes."

"Prove it and I'll buy you an ice cream."

and that's where I woke up.  I've had other dreams about discussions with the future version of my niece, but this one just had to be written down.  Maybe in a few years, I'll come back and read it again after *having* the talk with her.  I guess we'll see.

So I currently feel like a piece of crap.  I've known this day was coming for 2 weeks, but that still didn't make it any easier to trick my poor, (mostly) innocent, and trusting kitty from climbing into the carrier and heading to the vet for his neutering and declawing.  I know, I know, its perfectly normal and necessary for him (as the other 2 cats are both declawed and fixed), but the sound of him crying in the carrier literally felt like he was tearing my heart out.  I'm not normally such a softie, but I was incredibly close to cancelling his appointment and taking him back home.  He cried all the way from the time he was put in the carrier till the car warmed up.  Then he switched over to some accusatory meowing until we got to the vets office.  After I parked (arriving 30 minutes early), he layed down and we waited together for the doors to open.  At 9am, I carried him in and he went silent in his carrier.  A rather large dog wandered over and sniffed him and I had to laugh at the expression on his face as he sniffed the dog right back through his carrier door.  (Maybe he'll get along with King, my brother's American Bulldog, after all.)  We finally get called back and I opened his carrier door expecting him to bolt out, but nope not at all.  The vet tried to pull him out, but he latched his claws into the towel I put in there.  She tilted the carrier almost vertical and he switched to a rock climber's hold on the walls.  Finally, I had to reach in and compress his legs and slide him out.  As soon as his head cleared the carrier, he promptly hid his face in my armpit and started mewling again (making my stomach clench with guilt yet again).  The vet checked him over asked a few questions about his temperment, listened to his heart, checked his fangs, etc.  Then said they would do the procedure that day and that since he was being declawed, they'd be keeping him till Monday to watch him and prevent infection in his paws and change bandages and such.  They said they'd give him an injection for pain that would last about 3 days and that he probably wouldn't want to play much for about a week or so.  Then she picked him up and took him in the back and left me to close my empty cat carrier and leave.  She did say that I could call after 3 to check on him, so I'll be making that call around 3:01.  Is it normal to feel so guilty about this?  To miss him this much?  I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without my cat for 3 days.  I'm currently fighting the urge to figure out a way to go see him Saturday.  *sigh*  I'm pathetic.  I keep checking the clock to see if its time for me to leave yet.  I'm worried that when I get him back, he won't have that playful streak or gleam in his eye that screams "I'm about to start some shit!"  I don't know how or if I could forgive myself for taking that away from him.  Who am I to change his identity?  I'm not talking about when I renamed him "Tao" as opposed to "Mittens", but actually changing who he is, how he thinks and acts.  I resent it and attack vehemently when people try to force change on me, so I guess I'm just hoping that he doesn't change so he won't hate me for doing this to him.  *SIGH*  I want my Tao.

Wow, its been a long time since I've blogged.  I'm not even sure I know where to begin (or where my last blog left off really).  As of mid December I have finally earned all the credits I need in order to graduate from Tri-C with my Associate of Applied Business in Accounting Degree.  If I can remember to get my petition for graduation dropped off in time, I'll walk in the Fall this year.  I've also started back at LCCC and I'll be trying to get my Associate of Applied Business in Entrepreneurship.  I'm taking 2 classes this semester, Entrepreneurial Finance and Entrepreneurial Marketing.  I've actually taken all the quizzes and done all the homework for Finance, so all I have to do is make sure I take the exams and do the projects for both classes.  Living with Wendy has been financially difficult as we've both spent time out of work, but that will be over soon hopefully.  She recently had an interview where I work now (Amerigas Propane).  If she gets the position (and I'm pretty sure she will) she'll be a Commercial Billing Specialist.  Not sure if they'll consider that seasonal or permanent, but once she has a foot in the door they'd be stupid to let her go.  On my end of things, I signed up to become one of the first people to learn a new job here and they actually chose me as one of two people to become "Sales Calendar Coordinators".  Basically, the Westlake office does all the sales for Ohio and Michigan.  The local branches still have to go out and drop off the tanks and do leak checks and such before new customers can get their orders.  Well some of the branch offices are responsible for areas that are 100 miles wide.  So they chose me and another worker to try and make it more efficient.  The upshot is that while it is a pilot program and they haven't hired me permanently yet, if its a success, it will be a permanent position that I could apply to and being that I already know how to do it, I'd have a leg up on the competition.  I wouldn't mind becoming a salesperson eventually, as they make hourly plus commissions, but for now, I'll settle for this.  The universe seems to be unfolding as it should, and I'm happy with my life, hence the name of this blog.  My little cat really does teach me things every day, whether he means to or not.  From him I'm learning that I need to live my life the way I want and can't let the possibility that it might make others uncomfortable stop me.  I'm learning that you need to squeeze every last drop of fun out of every second of every day.  I'm learning that you have to devote yourself wholly to everything you do, be it playing, working, or sleeping.  He reminds me that as frustrating as life can get, I just need to relax and laugh more often.  I think he's even had an affect on the other cats.  Ashley is learning that you have to grow up sometimes, but that even in growing up, its ok to still play.  Star is learning not to take herself or life so seriously and I think she's a much happier cat now.  I felt bad at first for bringing Tao home.  It was money I didn't really have that I spent to adopt him.  The other cats went through and still deal with jealousy issues.  But the more I sit and think about it.  He belongs with me.  He is my cat.  He was my cat from the second I picked him up and he trusted me instantly.  I don't love anyone else any less and I make sure I spend time with both other cats as well as making sure that Tao spends time with Wendy.  (He seems to enjoy sleeping on her feet quite a bit.)  I love the sound of his purr.  I love the smell of his fur.  I love the mischief I can see him plotting when he's looking around.  In other news, apparently my brother and mother are planning to quit smoking.  Their goal, as I understand it, is to use Chantex to quit.  I hope for both their sakes and my father's sake that they succeed.  My family isn't the greatest bunch of people in the world, but they've got their moments and I'm not done with them yet.  In yet other news, I've been preparing and waiting for Valentine's Day, Wendy's birthday, and various other events.  My mom turned 51 last Sunday and for her birthday we bought her a cake from Fragapane's.  It wasn't her favorite (she *loves* the chocolate chip ricotta cheese) so we also got her some canollis.  Valentine's Day is kinda up in the air at this point as I don't know if I'll have my income tax refund in time to do something special.  We already have dinner reservations at... oh wait, Wendy will probably read this blog, so I'll let her tell after we go.  But other than that, I think we'll just spend the day together relaxing a bit, and making chocolate covered strawberries, bananas, and maybe pretzels.  For her birthday we're going to check out Melting Pot and finally get a bit of the fondue experience.  I should have our income taxes back by then so I can pay my mom back and stuff.  I've also found out that I'm mildly addicted to Guitar Hero for PS2 and even that I'm not half bad at it (on medium).  I'm also looking forward to our student loan refunds so we can finish paying people back that we owe and feel unpoor for the first time in months.  The apartment is slowly coming together.  I currently have 2 decent sized bruises on the insides of my elbows from a screw up at the plasma place this week.  I can't complain too much as its the first time they've screwed up in the several months I've been going, but the timing sucks.  I could have used the extra money for Valentine's and they won't let me donate until the bruises go away.  Ah well. Se la vie.  Well I suppose I'm done for now.  I have another hour and 45 minutes until the end of my shift, but I think I'm out of things to write about.

So I’m writing today while I’m at work.  (The debt collection job obviously.)  And during my break I listened to my voicemails.  And my blog topic picked itself.  Today, I think I want to talk about friends.  It’s odd how my perception of friendship has changed over the years.  But has my perception changed because the people I called my friends have changed, or has it changed because *I* have changed, or both?

 

See, back in high school, I was desperate to belong, to be one of the crowd.  I put up with a lot of crap back then.  I named people my friends who really weren’t.  One by one, these people fell out of my life, thankfully.  It really does sicken me a little to think that I allowed others to ridicule me because I wanted them to be my friend.  The sad part is that I know other people who have had the same or similar experiences.  The sadder part is that I know some people who still make these horrible friends and keep them around.  Why do we do that?  And I bet there are more of you that this applies to than you think.  Ever look at your caller id and see a name and go “I *really* don’t want to take this call?”  Then this person is the false friend in your life.

 

But now that you’ve identified them, how do you get rid of them?  That’s a toughie.  There is no good way to get rid of them without being outright rude.  (And even then, some of these people will *still* refuse to get it. 

 

I’ll offer up my own examples for discussion sake.  One of my earliest instances of false friendship was someone who liked to keep me around because I was in awe of his toys and by extension, him.  We played almost daily after school in his front or back yard.  He had hundreds of matchbox cars and a huge container of legos that we would build with for hours.  He had a tree house in the back yard, carved wooden guns, and tons of other stuff for us to play with.  We were friends until he made a new friend and together they decided that as a fat kid, I was too good a target for their jokes to let it go any longer.  Another instance was from high school. This false friend kept me around for my brains.  I allowed myself to be used like an intellectual whore, answering questions, cheating on tests, etc.  All to be liked.  This one was easier to get rid of because classes changed yearly.  At the beginning of the next year, I just wasn’t cool enough to talk to.  I’m pretty sure that the last and longest lasting has finally departed my life as of yesterday.  The saddest part is that for the longest time, I defended this person to my other friends.  “That’s just the way he is” and “that’s just what we do” were the excuses I used most often.  I found this individual in church of all places.  It should have been a tip off that the only reason he approached me then was to get a free movie pass.  Over the following months and years, we hung out from time to time and at one point, I even called him my “best” friend.  Ouch.  There is literally not a single conversation I can think of in which I wasn’t insulted in some way shape or form.  At social gatherings, I was the inevitable wing man, a handy prop to make him look better.  After all, fat is more noticeable than acne, no matter how severe.  As more time passed and I moved a bit further away, I came to realize that the only times I ever heard from this person were when he needed something from me, or when he wanted to brag about something in his life.  Over the past year or two, his own need to fit in has turned him into a racist snob (either that or he’s just shown his true colors).  Recently, he has taken to calling my cell phone at times when I can’t answer (either while I’m at one of my two jobs, my class, or sleeping).  Without breaking any privacy laws, I can say that I needed to find some documents for his girlfriend (whom I also know) and in the process of moving have misplaced them.  Additionally, my printer has been on the fritz only working when it chooses to, so printing a fresh set of them has proven to be problematic.  Despite my repeated attempts to fix the situation with the government agency in question, it has not been successful.  Last night, while at work, I get a message that, to be blunt, sounded like the petulant tantrum of a five year old that has learned how to curse.  But to make a long story short, I was told “f*** you” repeatedly. I’m not too fussed about it.  I’ve heard worse from better, but at least that’s one more false friend I don’t need to entertain any more.  Once I get them to print, I’ll mail those documents out by the way (in case you’re reading this).

 

 Currently, my true friends a limited in number, but I’m actually proud to call them friends.  Chris has been my best friend for a long time.  He’s the person I can tell anything to.  He’s a great sounding board for all my ideas, no matter how stupid some of them are.  Also, he’s one of the few people I know I can count on no matter what.  He lives in Las Vegas, and I’m pretty sure that if it were life and death, he’d fly back.  Wendy is a new addition (relatively speaking) to my list of friends.  She knows as much about me as Chris or Julie even though she’s only known me about 1/5 the time they have.  She doesn’t judge me or baby me.  She shares her triumphs and her shortcomings with me equally.  She has earned my trust and love a hundred times over.  It’s kind of odd to say that another of my friends is my ex wife.  Julie has been through a lot with me.  Most of that was my own fault, but she still talks to me.  On some level I wonder if she’ll still talk to me when friendship is the only tie that binds us.  I certainly hope so.  These are my three best friends.  So many others have come and gone over the years.  They’ve waxed and waned in their friendship and while I still consider most friends, I know that for whatever reason, their friendship has conditions.

 

And those are my thoughts about friendship.  Later, I’ll rant about driving downtown every day and paying for parking at the new job.  *sigh*  Another day, another dollar.  Later.

 

Last night was a good night.  Drove around with Wendy for a bit.  Went down to the beach and watched the waves as fog and the new moon made us feel as though we were the only people on Earth.  I told her that I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy.  Then she made me happy by accepting a promise ring from me.  I had been hanging on to it for a couple of days as I mulled some things over in my mind, and basically prepared myself to move forward with my life.  I'm actually quite proud of the ring I chose (more so because she actually liked it than any other reason).  I was careful in the choice of stones and metal and felt good about the ring any time I held it or looked at it (many times in the 48 hours it was in my posession).  But as good as it felt to look at it sitting in my palm, its nothing compared to the feeling I got seeing it on her finger. 

Its a sterling silver ring with our names inscribed and our birthstones (blue topaz and amethyst).  For those of you who are interested in alternative thought, here is some information on the materials used in the ring.  Blue topaz brings leadership ability to anyone who wears or carries it. It also enhances and improves psychic knowledge, spiritual growth, and psychic insight. It also lends and air of tranquility in those endeavors.  Amethyst has long been called the "sobriety stone." In ancient Rome, crushed amethyst was added to wine cups to prevent drunkenness. It is said to assist with healing alcoholism, compulsive behaviors, and addictions of all kinds. Amethyst brings energies of stability, peace, calm, balance, courage and inner strength. It has been used to protect against psychic attacks. On the spiritual level, amethyst can help open to communication with angels, telepathy and other psychic abilities. It is an excellent stone for meditation or dream work, past life work, and can help you see your path. It has also been used to help ease the pain of grief, and promote happiness. Amethyst is reputed to be beneficial when dealing with legal problems, and money issues, which can lead to prosperity and abundance. Amethyst is also used as protection for travelers. Physically amethyst is said by spiritual healers and mystical lore to heal the withdrawal symptoms of any sort of addiction, help with headaches, insomnia, arthritis, pain relief, circulatory system issues, endocrine system problems, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, immune system deficiencies, and general healing.  Silver is a mirror to the soul and stimulates seeing oneself outside of the body. This sight is without judgmental attitudes and provides one with patience and perseverance. It assists in increased perception and helps to regulate the emotional and intuitive energies. Silver provides a very strong connection between the physical and astral bodies assuring that one may always come home from the astral plane. It tends to strengthen the "silver cord" and diminishes the unconscious fear of the inability to return. It is known to enhance the powers of the moon and is an excellent mineral for use in energizing other stones during full and new moons. The malleability of silver is conducive to causing energies to bend and to even become circular, enabling vital centers to be opened, stimulated, cleared and activated. Silver helps to cleanse the body and to eliminate toxins at the cellular level.

There is no doubt in my mind.  I love this girl with all my heart.  Holding her brings me peace and happiness.  Her kisses are more intoxicating than any alcohol ever could be and sweeter than the purest sugar.  I look forward to making her happy for the rest of my life. 

So I woke up today completely exhausted but with a huge smile on my face.  I am in a great mood and today, I feel like I could take on the world.  Don't get me wrong, my job still sucks and I still want to get out of my grandmother's house, but for some reason I am uncharacteristically cheerful and optimistic today.  I need to have more days like this.  And honestly, I owe it all to one very special person.

See, for a long time now, I've been dating a terriffic girl (named Wendy, for those of you who didn't know) who was stuck in a low point of her life for a while.  In the past day or two she has decided to stop letting the world step on her and actually do something about it.  She made the choice to discard her past and jump into the future with both feet. 

Oddly enough, this came on the tail of her father telling her to get rid of her old car or he would push it into the street and call the police on it.  I put an ad on myspace classifieds for it and within 24 hours we sold the car.  We were driving around afterwards and she said "well that was the final piece of my past."  I had no idea how prophetic those words would be, but they struck me profoundly even then.  That night, I was struck by the need to write an allegorical story of my life.  Laughingly, Wendy told me she was writing a blog as well which I just chalked up to great minds thinking alike.  ;)   I finished mine, which ended with she and I walking into the future.  In the morning, I wake up and lo and behold, her blog is a declaration of the need to let go of the past and move on to the future.  She wrote it at the same time I wrote mine and couldn't have known what mine was about while writing it.  We've had enough moments where our minds parallel each other that I wasn't completely surprised, but it brought a smile to my face.

Later that day, I learned that Wendy had been a virtual whirlwind of activity as she worked to bring her decision to fruition.  She talked to the administration people at her old college and even looked at a couple of apartments.  And together we were to look for possible new jobs that last night.  (Granted, we didn't actually get around to that part, but we had fun nonetheless.)

So many times through the evening I caught myself looking at her and smiling.  She finally caught me and claimed I was "glowing" which I don't think anyone has ever said to me, lol.  I assured her I was not pregnant and we continued watching movies.  As we lay there, my mind lost focus on the movie and turned inward.  I had been toying with the idea for a long time, asking myself if I could be sure and analyzing my feelings to the nth degree, but it just seemed clear then.  I knew I was in love.  Later, after she left and I was waiting for sleep to claim me, I thought about it some more.  But even my ability to doubt and question couldn't budge the conviction I felt.  And it kept and still keeps surfacing when I least expect it.  The thought just floats into my conscious of its own accord.  I love Wendy.  Then inevitably a few seconds later the thought that really makes me smile and fills me with happiness follows:  Wendy loves me.